Pleaser
Be of service, meet others' needs, say yes
"I'm here for you."
Total Character Score
3.7
Character Statements
I tend to set aside my own needs to be of service to others.
3.7
It's important to me to be liked.
3.7
I find it difficult to say no to people, out of fear it will harm our relationship.
3.7
Your Pleaser is the part of you which gives you:
Attunement to others’ needs and expectations, and willing to accommodate yourself to them
Generosity: an authentic willingness to give your time, attention and care in service of others
Altruism: you can readily defer your own needs, and show up fully for others
Boundaried
Meet own needs, self-contained, private
"I respect your privacy."
Total Character Score
3.7
Character Statements
It's more important for me to be respected than liked.
3.7
I can say no to others' requests without guilt.
3.7
What other people are feeling is their business, not mine.
3.7
Your Boundaried is the part of you which gives you:
Self-containment: you are highly autonomous, and prioritize meeting your own needs
You are willing to set clear boundaries, so other people are clear where they stand with you, what you will and won’t accept
You demonstrate a deep respect for privacy. Other people’s feelings are not your business
Overuse Patterns
Your score of 3 suggests moderate risk of over-using Being.
You may be over-using your Pleaser if:
You find it very difficult to saying no out of fear it will harm the relationship.
You have a strong need to be liked. You depend on the approval of others to feel good about yourself.
You may be susceptible to flattery.
You can become so focused on others’ needs that you may forget or deny your own needs.
You are prone to neglecting self-care.
You can take on the role of rescuer, saving others from their challenges, taking on their problems as your own. This is motivated by a desire to be needed.
Your score of 3 suggests moderate risk of over-using Being.
You may be over-using Boundaried if:
You prefer to keep your distance from others. You may send the signal that others are unimportant to you.
You keep your guard up in many social situations. You can react defensively when you perceive that others are getting too close, invading your privacy, getting up in your business.
You can experience other people’s needs as a problem or burden. You can be seen as stingy rather than generous with your time and attention.
Addressing Overuse
You can address overuse of Pleaser by accessing the following strengths of Boundaried:
Prioritize your self-care: if you have nothing left in the tank, your capacity to be of service is severely limited. What would resource and refuel you?
Notice your tendency to minimize your own needs, and maximize other people’s. Reaffirm to yourself, as often as needed, that you are allowed to have needs, you are allowed to receive as well as give care, and you are allowed to ask for what you want.
You can address overuse of Boundaried by accessing the following strengths of Pleaser:
Ask people to share what they need or expect of you. This does not commit you to meeting those requests, but demonstrates interest in and respect for them.
Look for and act on opportunities to be generous (especially with praise and attention).
Reflect on the satisfaction and rewards of having helped someone else, rather than its costs to you.
Balancing Pleaser Boudaried
Why does Pleaser/Boundaried Balance Matter?
Be of service to others without neglecting your own needs.
Achieve a sense of personal autonomy, without shutting other people out.
Say yes when you mean yes, no when you mean no.
How do you know when Pleaser and Boundaried are balanced?
Your relationships represent a good balance of give and take.
Your “no” is guilt free, and your “yes” is motivated by a desire to be of service more than a desire to ingratiate and win approval.